Losers

One can only hope this scene ended with the Aaron Carter looking Ohio State fan slapping that girl across the face and the curly haired (angry looking like he could seriously kill at any moment) OSU fan stomping that geek on the right into the ground...

Drunken Lies/Tales...

I was looking at my blog yesterday, reading my NYE story and I remembered something else that happened that night which led me to write this. It was pretty comical. I am standing at the bar in front of a bar stool (Bar stools were actually reserved for New Year's--i guess that's how they do it in smaller towns) when an old guy (65 my rough estimate) coming back to his seat says, "Excuse me Son." I step back and let him sit, but the fact that he called me son didn't really sit well (actually, I don't think it actually bothered me but I was aware of it and seized on it for a great story opportunity). I stepped back towards the man, tapping him on the shoulder and delivered this gem (paraphrasing a week later):

'You know, the last person to call me son was Doyle (referring to legendary poker player, Doyle Brunson). I remember my first series (World Series of Poker) about 8 years ago and my first table of the tourney Doyle sits down next to me! As I'm getting into my seat I heard a huge voice say, "Excuse me son." '

Well the guy LOVED the story and ends up kind of apologizing to me, explaining that he was raised to call everyone mam or sir, and that me being so much younger than him, sir just felt weird. I let him know all was cool, and that being raised in a military family myself I was accustomed to the same thing (I told him how a cocktail waitress at the "Series" had chastised me for calling her Mam and told me that she wasn't that old and to call her Miss).

Anyway, the point of that whole story (other than the fact I thought it was entertaining which it may or may not have been) is to bring up the idea of telling lies/stories when you're drunk. I'll be honest, I love to do it--it's not that I'm trying to impress anyone usually, it's just so fun to build a story and have someone believe such nonsense. I think the habit started my senior year of high school when on Spring Break in Cancun my good friend convinced some girls (who thought he was a junior in college or something) that his screenplay titled Whitewater ("a coming of age film", as he described it) had just been greenlit. The best part of the tale, however, was his invitation to a party for young screen writers at Jack Nicholson's house where he was hanging out w/Ben Affleck and Matt Damon (Jack himself was "too coked up to make it out of his room"). That right there is the genius of the drunk lie--the details...

In college, this sort of thing was a nightly routine for my roommate and I. We took things to a new level by reciting movie lines as our own stories. Personal favorites included: the airplane joke from Good Will Hunting (yes, i told this w/success more than a few times--usually played well in the older crowd where they were less likely to know the movie), Seth's story about falling off a BMX bike in Boiler Room, and Jon Favreau's classic "I'm supposed to be impressed cause she's wearing a back pack" monologue in Swingers. [Note, I'd love to put a footnote right here and include the exact quotations which I know is exactly what Chuck Klosterman would do. Unfortunately, I don't think I have footnote capabilities so I'll just have to include them at the end of the blog (Note note: Chuck Klosterman is great and if you're not reading his stuff you are missing out)]. We actually knew these lines verbatim (or close enough). Somewhere in the archives of this stupid campus show at Vanderbilt there lies an interview with my roommate outside our fraternity at 3am where he recites the Boiler Room story and then inexplicably yells, "GO HEELS!" Good times...

The fun didn't stop w/college either. I remember one night telling someone that I was an agent and that I had "discovered" Thora Birch (it was only an hour or so later when my friend cued me into the fact that Thora was in fact a childhood actress, making it virtually impossible for me to have discovered her. Let me paint the scene: we were in some club at 2am. You think the girl knew Thora was a childhood star?). On more than one occasion, I've texted a girl I met in a bar and then turned to my friend and said "I think she may think I'm a professional poker player." Or watched my friend contact one and then wonder what popular NYC club she thinks he owns.

Recently, said friend and I were having a conversation and we decided that by lying/telling such stories when you're drunk-either to entertain yourself, impress someone, or get with a girl as is often the case i'm sure--you're actually, in the long run, giving up more opportunities to entertain, impress, or get with said girl. We decided we were going to cut back on such activities, in the hopes of meeting "the real" by coming with the real. That said, if I had to guess, I'd say last Saturday that same friend was (for the night at least) a New York Real estate mogul/club owner/developer or some variation. And I'm sure when I next go out I'll have some interesting story about taking down a huge pot against Doyle or drinking Cristal with Jay-Z as he welcomed my client to a collaboration on his album or how I'm the writer of www.wwtdd.com (a great page if it's possible any of you don't already go to it)...Oh well though. I guess if people are stupid enough to keep believing these extravegant tales, there's just too much entertainment value to stop telling them.


*************Where I would have footnotes. Quotations mentioned above*****************
Boiler Room:

"I was ten years old and I just got this new bike. It's Silver Mongoose, you know, like a BMX. And I was just skitting out in this puddle, you know. And my foot slipped in and the peddle span around hard enough to break my leg. I didn't fall off the bike. And I kept going down the hill and I got really scared, you know? So I jumped off the bike and I landed behind this parked car. I was lying for a good half an hour and finally I hear my father's voice up the street and he was calling my name and I was happy that he was coming to get me. And he came around the car. He saw me lying there. I mean there was blood everywhere. Anyway, I looked up at him and for the first time in my life I saw how much my father loves me 'cause he was completely frozen. It hurt him to see me in that much pain. So he leaned down over me and he slapped me over the face. Maybe he was mad at me for making him that helpless or it's like the only thing he could think of. I don't know. I don't care anymore. What I remember now is that look on his face when he first saw me lying there. And that's what I remember. That's what I miss."

Swingers:

"All the parties and bars, they all suck. I spend halfthe night trying to talk to some girl who's eyes are darting around to see if there's someone else she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy cause she's wearing a backpack. Half of them are nasty skanks who wouldn't be shit if they weren't surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. I'm not gonna be one of those assholes. It's fucking depressing. Some skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is is gonna front me? It makes me want to puke."

Good Will Hunting:
"You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"

(note: I actually used to add some to details to this one which I thought made it better. But I kid you not, countless times I had people believe this story)

New Year's Eve? Duh...

I have been saying for many years now that NYE (that's cool guy speak for New Year's Eve) is the most overrated holiday of the year. And I will tell you what--every year this just gets confirmed. I was really happy when my friend invited me out to his parents house in Scottsdale, Arizona. I've been sayin for sometime i want to get away from all the velvet rope BS on NYE and this was my chance.

I will sum the night up as quick as I can. Live country music was played. Tom Chambers was not only at the bar in a town of probably 1,000 but he talked shit on my friend and me, took 3 of the 5 Washington Apple shots I ordered, and then pulled a boy scout pocket knife covered in some sort of crud on me because I was talking to his assistant (a cute 24 girl from the area). He said the knife was dirty because he was using it to cut cigars, but to be honest its worn down (spoon like) blade seemed to have a dirty crud that did not resemble cigar ash. VERY weird. I at least feel good that I did have this exchange with him:
(ME): "Tom, seriously"
(TC): "Your friend is a pussy, I took three of your shots!"
(ME): "I know, but Tom, remember the video game Lakers-Celtics on Genesis? You could dunk from the 3 point line w/ a double clutch dunk--You were the man"
(TC): "Yeah, I was something in that game"

That conversation actually happened. What are the odds you go to some dive/cowboy bar in a random town 30 minutes outside Scottsdale proper and see Tom Chambers? What are the odds he ends up taking shots w/you and talking shit on your shot choice (Washington Apples--I'll be honest, other than a few hot chicks, most people don't appreciate this shot--I don't care. It's good.) and then orders up Petron shots for you and your friends?

Good times...

More Ramble

Does Puffy know the meaning of the word "unforgivable"? Based on the commercial for his new cologne, I'm pretty sure he doesn't:

It's a control she has over me. I can't live without her. She's unforgivable."

Puff is really just too good.

Could Clay from Newport Harbor have gotten a worse answer when trying to determine the fidelity of his long distance girlfriend, Chrissy? He asks her if she has hooked up with any guys at college to which she responds first with silence and then, 'I haven't met anyone I REALLY like, I've just met so many new people.' Followed by awkward silence. Hmmm. So you're saying you slept with A LOT of people? I don't know, it wouldn't have been the answer I'd be looking for. Speaking of Newport Harbor, I realize all the fringe characters on these reality shows have to get involved in certain things so as to "narrate" the plot, BUT Chrissy's dad has officially entered the Joe Simpson club for creepy dads. Reeeeeeeaaaal weeeird...
If you don't watch Newport Harbor, sorry but I felt like talking about it.

Here's a mildly interesting/amusing/disturbing anecdote from travels today. I'm sitting in 30th Street Station (Philly) waiting for my train to NY--just chillin, eating some Auntie Ann's pretzel sticks (I prefer them over the whole pretzel because they don't seem to soak up massive amounts of butter like the full pretzel does). Well, i get done all but one of the sticks and I just can't finish and I go throw them out. The one stick is completely untouched and looks like Filet Mignon to a homeless cat, so I leave the container on the edge surrounding the trash receptacle (yup, that's the kind of guy I am. I look out for the homeless as long as they stay out of my face). Anyway, I go sit back down on a bench and wait for the satisfactory moment of some needy dude eating my pretzel stick. 5 minutes later some average looking, older woman with a messenger bag around her shoulder walks by, picks up my pretzel stick, takes a bite, and then grabs a napkin (I threw out about 3 or 4 fresh ones--if you think I should've put them back in the pile so someone else could use them and save trees then well, FUCK YOUUUUUUU loser) from the trash can and moves on. I was in shock. I followed her path with my eyes to make sure she wasn't one of those homeless people who just haven't gone over the edge of dirtiness and derangement yet. If she scopes any of the next 3 trashcans she has to pass then all is excused. Here's the thing--she ends up walking and conversing with some other woman and it becomes very clear she is there to board a train....!!! WTF man! This woman just grabbed an unknown pretzel stick, ate it, and then wiped her mouth with a napkin from the trash. This just furthers my thesis that Reality is the greatest reality show on earth--people are too classic.

It's clementine season boys and girls. Go out and get yourself a case.

Quotation of the Day

"With everything that has happened, obviously the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel like she's kind of taken his focus away...Other than that, she was hot on my list until last week."--TO


Man I miss this guy...

Text of the Week

This is a new section I'm going to try include in my blog. The text of the week is an actual text message received by me or someone I'm friends with.

This week's text of the week:

"Was born a girl with a voice. I'm relieved actually. Anytime u get fired u should say thank u."

I'm not EXACTLY sure what this person is talking about (or whether she knows what she is talking about), but I really wish I had said thank you when I got fired. Genius...

[Note: Notice I wrote "thank you" not "thank u." It's troubling to me that this person used the letter "u" rather than the word "you" because it suggests to me that's she' s one of those people who still uses the ABC function rather than itap or T9 when typing texts. People who use the ABC function (and I'm friends with some of them unfortunately) are like people you see in the Cash Only toll lane on the highway because they don't have EZ-Pass. Look, I know they're not hurting anyone but themselves, but it's like, What the Fuck? Grow up! You're sittin there asking your girlfriend to make sure you have exact change because that line is shorter than the Cash lane??? Take 5 minutes to stick a piece of plastic to your windshield...God!]

I am speechless. Really...

Spears is pregnant--Jamie Lynn (16) not Britney.

http://omg.yahoo.com/jamie-lynn-spears-says-shes-pregnant/news/4928

WTF man? I like how Jamie Lynn has decided she will raise her child in Louisiana so it can have a normal life. Definitely. The child of a 16 year old TV star who happens to be the close sister of the world's biggest train wreck is definitely going to live a normal life being raised in Louisiana. "Have Mercy" (That's in quotes because I said it in the Uncle Jesse from Full House voice).

I'm not sure if the guy pictured with Jamie Lynn at her prom is the father of her baby, but even more classic if he is.

Getting Honest w/your Playlist

There always comes a time when you need to take stock of your life and all of the things that have accumulated because of it. Like the cell phone. You know what I'm talking about--every few months it's good to get serious and clean house. You're never calling Tanya with the Minnesota area code (you remember, you met her at 3am at that diner in NYC WAAAAASTED--she was in town for the weekend. No tag, but DEFINITELY wanted to hang out sometime...) and let's get real, she's never calling you. So man up and delete that number. Joe G, your buddy from college who you haven't spoken to in forever, yeah you can delete his number too. If you really wanna get a hold of him you can go ahead and email him.

Personally I don't have to go through this self assessment process that often because I break or lose my cell phones frequently enough that I don't really get the build up of useless numbers. But the rest of you, you should take stock once in a while.

Well, as I was riding the train up to NYC this past weekend, it dawned on me that taking stock isn't just about the cell phone. You gotta look at the ipod too. This revelation hit me as I was skipping over Saturday Night's Alright for about the 30th time in the last 2 months. I realized something. I don't like that song. I don't think I ever did. And then I realized there were a bunch of Elton John songs on my playlist that I really could not stand--Crocodile Rock, Bennie and the Jets?? These songs are just annoying and I demand to know how they got there.

Was Elton John the Tanya of my playlist? Couldn't be. This is the man who gave me hours of serene entertainment with Tiny Dancer, Daniel, Levon(my personal favorite perhaps), Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters... No, the Tanya analogy doesn't work for Elton John.

The better analogy is to look at the Elton John songs as a collection of people you know. A few were your good friends (Tiny Dancer, Levon, etc.) The rest were friends of those friends. Yeah, when you were all hanging out together they were cool enough, but that time you decided to roll out to a bar with just the fringe guys you realized they just weren't that cool...Time to cut the strings man. You don't need their numbers in your phone and you sure as hell don't need Bennie and the Jets poppin up on your ipod. Trust me.

It's not just the ipod either. We have tons of superfluous stuff in our lives that can be cut. So go ahead. Take stock of your life and all that has accumulated. Get rid of "Milan" from your cell phone, drop I Love Rock n Roll from your ipod. Throw out that stupid hat.

Trust me you'll be better off for it.

Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report, George Mitchell's report on performance enhancing drug use in baseball said to name BIG names, will be released today. Everyone is speculating who is going to be listed and going nuts about it. Frankly who cares. The greatest baseball player of all time has already admitted using it (Bonds) and we (or at least I) have already assumed the majority of great players are using HGH or something like it. ESPN is reporting that one of the big names is going to be Roger Clemens (seen above). SHOCKING!!!!!!! No, wait, not shocking at all. I'm pretty sure it's just been assumed that Clemens was on performance enhancing drugs for the last decade--so who cares that he's listed now? I mean, I guess there is some satisfaction in having his fat face have to answer to specific evidence, but what is it really going to change?

Bonds continued to play and break the most sacred record in baseball (speaking of records, I still say the record that will never be broken is the 56 game hit streak) and I'll bet in some years he'll be inducted to the Hall of Fame. Does anyone think MLB is going to suspend a slew of all stars and potential hall of famers when they get listed in the report? I don't really see it happening. If they do, it won't be for any substantial amount of time. Is the legacy of someone like Clemens going to change because of this report? I don't really see it happening.

Someone forwarded me an email today where the author said he loved the steroid era (loved the Home Runs, the controversy and all the sports talk it created). I completely disagree. Is the offensive production more interesting? Probably. That said, wondering which players are cheating with drugs has left me with LESS respect for and LESS interest in the game, not more. As for the talk it generates (here's a blog entry that doesn't exist without it), I generally think it's tired and only turns me off from the sport of baseball more (am i hypocrite now for writing this?). Before the steroids scandal peaked and I was naive, I used to get into baseball--I watched Sportscenter to see if Sammy or Mcgwire hit another homer (yes, very naive I suppose--or maybe refusing to believe at first) or if Louis Castillo was still chasing the consecutive hits record. Now? I care about two things--my home team (Phillies) and my fantasy team. I blame steroids and the lack of integrity/accountability of baseball for this. So you say, shouldn't the Mitchell report be important to me then? No. Because it's not going to change anything.